


Kirk's Day Out

by un1c0rntea



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Adventure, Comedy, Other, Pansexual Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:27:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22283353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/un1c0rntea/pseuds/un1c0rntea
Summary: Got the courage to actually share this with people.A little fic I wrote back in November about Saboo and Tony taking Kirk out for a day of fun. Includes normal Shaman council banter.This is the first one that I wrote so I hope you like it and that I will have improved soon. Happy reading!
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	Kirk's Day Out

**Author's Note:**

> 'Hook a Duck' guy is played by Julian Barratt. (Voice like Mr Susan of The Mirror World).
> 
> Marilyn Manhoe is a Hollywood Transvestite Drag Persona played by Noel Fielding. Goes by They/Them/He/She
> 
> Also I headcanon Saboo as Pansexual because I think it's really cool and different for a Richard character. So yeah a sparkly, Pansexual shaman. :)

The night was still, the owls were singing and the Shaman board were staging an intervention.

"Right! Settle down!" Roared Dennis.

"Now are we all agreed that this is what needs to be done?"

"I don't just see why YOU can't do it, why do I have to be a part of these shenanigans!?" Said Tony waving his tentacles about frantically.

"ARRGH, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!"

"Oh shut up Tony. Just get on with it why don't you and stop acting like a little pink bitch."

"Fuck. Sake."

Saboo said irritatingly, he was wearing his fingerless gloves, trying to pick the black nail polish off his beautiful fingernails.

Dennis had done them for him the night before for a Halloween Shaman party - to which Saboo went to dressed as a witch.

Not much different to how he already looks and chooses to present himself, but witchy none the less.

He had a tendency to pick at his nails whenever he was bored or disinterested at Shaman meetings. Saboo would rather be at home with a cup of camomile tea watching itvbe in his underwear.

"I don't know why I put up with you Saboo, I really don't' said Tony through gritted teeth.

"Hush!"

"You can also have a one way ticket to Hushtown Saboo...because you're a part of this too" insisted Dennis

"I'm sorry.....you what!?..."

He stuck his fingers in his ears like a bratty teenager who thought it would block out the noise, but actually just makes you look quite childish.

"This isn't happening. This isn't happening..."

"That's right, you've got Kirk for the day, starting tomorrow, you're his daddies" explained Dennis.

Saboo removed his fingers from his ears  
"Well, you'd know a lot about Daddies, wouldn't you Dennis?" Saboo said jokingly, smirking.

"When I go on a date with another Shaman, I'll have you know that when I feel I can trust him enough, I'll place my crystals on his chest, open myself up and let him come inside"

Saboo smirked some more and egged him on, while Tony was holding in so may laughs he was almost hissing.

"What kind of crystals?"

"Balls"

"So you put your balls on his chest?"

"Yes. I put my balls on his chest"

"OHHHHHHHHHHH"

Dennis didn't seem to get the joke. And then through the laughing board of Shamans, Tony shouting "OHHHH SSSHOTS FIRED!. YOU WALKED INTO IT AGAIN, YOU GREEN TWAT!" and the agreed "THAT'S RIGHT!" from Saboo he realised that maybe he shouldn't have said that.

None the less, he dusted himself off and continued.

"Ahem. So uh anyway get an early night, because you know what Kirk is like.

Menancing music boomed through the forest.

"SORRY. That's my message tone. I should've been home hours ago. I promised Mrs Harrison I'd make her a casserole. I am gonna get slaughtered"

"Can I come watch?" Saboo muttered rather sadistically under his breath, unaware that Tony heard it.

"SHIT OFF!....It was a good recipe aswell, from Shamansbury's Plant Based Range. Cost me a lot of Shamoney aswell"

"EURGH. Plant based!? How do you even have a wife you tofu bastard!"

Tony turned around to face Saboo, his face offended by what he had just said to him.

"AY. Don't you judge me and my choices you peacock! Some people are vegetarians alright?! Excuse me if I wanna grow big and strong"

Saboo shifted in his chair and cocked his head to the side with a confused look on his face.

"You? Grow? Oh come off it. At best you're about 20cm...."

Saboo and Tony's bickering trailing off into the distance. Dennis removed himself from the table and walked toward a nearby tree to deliver us a sort of monologue.

"Oh please please by the power of the past Shaman ancestors before us and the magic of the moon, let these two berks get along"

The moon turned around, aware that he had been summoned.

"Uhhh. I mean I'll try...uh but you'd have better luck getting a cat to get on with..with a fish. Heh heh"

He turned back around, quite pleased with his little joke, because there was nothing he could do.

Dennis nodded in agreement, shrugged and said "Meh. Fair enough, I'm going to bed"

*** * * * * * ***

The next morning was crisp and autumnal, the sky was tangerine and the birds were chirping merrily outside. Saboo, all tucked up in bed had set his alarm in order to wake himself up in time to pick up Kirk. He really didn't wanna have him for the day but such is the life of a Shaman.

_'Driving around on a plastic dream, heart beats....'_

Saboo waved his hand about sheepishly, trying to turn off his alarm clock. But it was pointless because he'd moved his bedroom around a couple nights ago and forgot that in doing so, the alarm clock's new position was on the other side of the room.

When he'd remembered he grumbled,

"Yeah. I really didn't think that through"

almost prizing himself from the bed and forcing himself to walk across the room.

_'I am electro boy....I am electro girl...'_

With one clenched fist he hit the alarm off with all the force he could, as if it were Tony Harrison's stupid pink head.

"I hate my life" he mumbled.

"Love that song though. Oh" with a hand on his heart.

He dragged his feet over to the kettle, as there was always time for a quick cuppa, he got a mug out from his cupboard and walked over to his shrine and placed another pin in his Tony Harisson voodoo doll.

"One day" he whispered, placing his hands on his hips.

While the kettle was boiling, Saboo grabbed his eyeliner pencil from his nightstand and made his way to the bathroom, yawning.

He opened his eyes as wide as he could and splashed his face with cold water.

"BRRRRRRAGH" he shivered, then picked up his towel and dried his face.

He took a quick shower, applied his eyeliner, put on his trousers and feathery garments, and zipped up his black heeled boots.

When he poured his tea, he glanced at the clock and realised he was running late so he downed it almost instantly, burning his tongue in the process.

"FUCK!" He exclaimed throwing the cup in the sink, smashing it into a million pieces.

Saboo frantically fluffed his hair, grabbed his feather hat from the corner of the bathroom door, took his flat keys and made his way out the front door groaning like a kid throwing a tantrum.

His flat was right next to Tony's - being his familiar and all that.

They had lived together once upon a time and used to be really great friends, but soon Tony got sick of finding eyeliner all over the sink and Saboo did not appreciate him using his French DVD covers for rolling joints. Not acceptable.

So it did not last long.

It wasn't all bad though, sometimes through the walls you could hear Mr and Mrs Harrison going at it, but nothing that some Charles and Eddie couldn't block out.

In the hallway, Saboo caught sight of himself in a nearby mirror and quietly went "Eeurgh. My looks fail me in the mornings"

He knocked on Tony's flat door and shouted "WAKE UP YOU PINK CLEFT. WE GOTTA GET MOVIN'".

Tony opened the door using a nearby wheelie bin he kept in his apartment in order to appear taller.

"Ohhhhh. Morning son. You sleep well?"

A perplexed look crossed Saboo's face as if to say wow you do this everyday?

"Kinda. You ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be" said Tony sleepily.

Tony handed him a papoose and raised his eyebrows.

"You know what you gotta do Saboo"

"Oh for fuh -

Saboo walked down the hallway, making his way towards the stairs carrying the pink fleshy head tentacly thing on his back. His face had that "Don't ask!" expression whenever he ran into someone on the stairway.

Luckily they only had to go down one flight of stairs to get outside of the block of flats.

"Right well. Carpet's outside. Let's get this freak show on the road. And when I say FREAK I mean you Harisson. Ugh this is seriously damaging my street cred!"

Saboo climbed onto the carpet in his black heeled boots and removed Tony from his back and flung him onto the carpet.

"You never really had much to begin with" muttered Tony under his breath.

"Oh. Give me strength. I will slap you silly" Saboo muttered back, placing his palms on his forehead.

The carpet started up and off they went, flying into the morning sky and on their way to Kirk's.

*** * * * * * ***

Kirk was waiting outside with his back pack.

The carpet pulled up right next to him and Tony said "Alright, Kirk. You ready for your day of fun, little man?"

"Yeah whatever" said Kirk indifferently. He would much rather be getting high or laying on the floor with a good colouring book.

"Whoopee" Saboo said sarcastically, giving a half assed version of jazz hands.

"You got your own packed lunch son?"

"Yep". Replied Kirk, climbing onto the carpet.

"Oh wonderful. That means lovely lentil soup all to myself. Mmmmm". Tony said pulling out a flask full of hot lentil soup.

Saboo pointed a finger in his mouth, stuck his tongue out and mimed being sick.

"Eurrgh. Lentils are evil" Kirk said in disgust.

"That's my boy! UP TOP!" Saboo high fived Kirk. He clearly agreed that lentils are not to even be mentioned as they taste like dirt and are the scum of the earth.

"Well anyway let's get going". Grumbled Tony.

The carpet pulled in at a nearby theme park, but the landing was not soft, causing Tony and Kirk to heave a little bit.

"OOOH SABOO! Next time let me drive. You drive like a madman!"

"Get stuffed!" Saboo said frustratingly.

The theme park had many different aspects to it; a rollercoasters as high as the sky, some teacups, hook a duck, coconut shy, ice cream station and a burger/hot dog van. Saboo reluctantly picked Tony up and placed him in the papoose, but he decided to position it so that the deformed pink squid could see which way Saboo was walking.

"MUCH BETTA!" Screamed Tony in excitement.

"Oh. Drag Race." Saboo said lowering his head in appreciation, but accidentally kissing Tony on the head and sticking his tongue out trying to shake off the taste.

Tony blushed as he thought wow he REAAALLLY must have appreciated my Drag Race joke because I got a little kiss out of it. Aww bless im.

Kirk screamed, running aroundthe fair with what looked like his feathery, goth parent with an alien baby in a papoose.

"I WANNA GO ON THAT ROLLERCOASTER!!! CAN I? CAN I GO?"

Saboo pulled up the papoose that was starting to slip and places his hands on his knees in an attempt to catch his breath.

"Kirk, I swear to God, you keep making me run. You little shit"

"COME ON GRANPAS"

"Ok". Tony wheezed, also catching his breath, which made absolutely no sense as Saboo was the one that was doing the running. Tony's feet. Tentacles. Um whatever don't even touch the ground.

Saboo walked towards the rollercoaster while holding Kirk's hand, rather reluctantly as Kirk seemed to have just grabbed it and pulled him toward the ride.

"How much for this ride please?" Saboo wheezed out. "Oh that was hell."

"Bout 20 quid" said the man, pointing at Kirk.

"He can't go on though haha. Too small."

Kirk crossed his arms and pouted. "Hmmph"

"Ohhh. What really??! Saboo I told you to check if kids could go on these rollercoasters before we got on the carpet!"

"Oh don't you dare pin this on me Harrison. It's not my fault that Kirk's not a man"

"Fuck this!" Kirk stepped on Saboo's foot and punched Tony in the mouth in utter frustration and anger causing the feathery Shaman to completely double over in pain and hop for a bit, whilst Tony was groaning "OWWWWHHHH LITTLE SHIT!"

Kirk ran away as fast as he could from his horrible "parents"

"Nasty kid" said the rollercoaster man.

"You have no idea"

Saboo and Tony said in unison making their way away from the rollercoaster. Now they would have to find Kirk, as it turns out he was a faster runner then they'd thought.

*** * * * * * ***

There were a ton of kids around, and it was hard to tell one apart from the other. Which one is Kirk? Is it this one? No. Maybe this one. This went on for about 40mins.

Saboo walked over to the 'Hook a Duck' game where an elderly man with glasses and a raincoat was standing there saying  
"HOOK A DUCK! HAHA!" Odd, as it wasn't raining. Maybe he was just a little too in character.

There were lots of children over there too. One of them was bound to be Kirk. Surely....Right?

Saboo and Tony nodded at each other and walked over to the man to ask if they'd seen a bratty kid around, which would probably be a long shot considering they were in a fun fair.

"Excuse me Sir, we've lost our child. Have you seen a blonde kid with a power rangers t-shirt"

Saboo moving his arms interjected with "About yay high?"

"HOOK A DUCK? ERRRRMMM. HOOK A DUCK HAHA. HOOK A DUCK. HOOK A DUCK. HOOOOOOOOOK A DUCK. HOOK A DUCK....."

Saboo took off his hat and ran a hand through his curly hair and Tony shook his head as if to say we're getting nowhere.

The man was still going. Placing a hook in Saboo's hand encouragingly and gesturing him over to the water, where the plastic ducks were standing still on the water.

"HOOK A DUCK. HAHA."

"Um. No thank you. We don't want to play! We're looking for someone" Saboo insisted.

**..........................25MINS LATER......................**

"Ohhhhh."

"OHHH THAT WAS REALLY FUN. KIRK WOULD'VE LOVED THAT!" Tony said, paying the elderly hook a duck enthusiast.

"Shit." Saboo legged it up the fairground as fast as he could.

The man waved after them shouting

"HOOK A DUCK! HAHA. FUCKIN SUCKERS!"

"That man..." trying to run, breathe and vent at the same time..."was a fucken waste of space".

"I SAY WE CHECK THE STRIP CLUBS. HOT MAMMAS...."

"And Daddies" interjected the pansexual Shaman. "And all in between too". He cleared his throat.

"I'm not tellin you how to live your life, sunshine. It's alright!"

"Respect." Saboo went to biggup his chest, and whacked Tony in the process.

"OW!"

"Oh. Sorry."

"That's not a problem. Anyway yeah the strip club. PERFECT FOR KIRK. HE LOVES ALL THAT SHIT!"

"I can't believe I'm saying this but...I agree with you. LET'S GO!"

They clambered onto the carpet frantically and set the Shaman sat nav to the only Strip Club in town. Hopefully this would lead them to Kirk…  
  


*** * * * * * ***

The air was calm and the soft sound of tibetan bowl music was playing, so overall a lovely peaceful atmosphere.

Dennis, the head Shaman had checked himself into a spa and booked himself a massage.

"Ohhhhhh yeah. Just a little to the left, sweet cheeks"

He was awakened from his trance by a distress call from Saboo and Tony shouting

"Uhhhh. Dennis. We've lost Kirk, we're checking out the strip club!"

The once relaxed Shaman tensed right back up again.

In the wacky world of Shaman and uh whatever Tony was, Rihanna Pour it Up blasted loudly through the speakers as they walked through strip club, Saboo and Tony were searching high and low, papoose still attached. Quite a sight to see at a strip club.

A blonde woman walked over to them quite gracefully, she had her nails painted bright red, bright red lipstick and a white v neck dress. Her hair was the definition of old Hollywood glamour.

"Hello darlins." Then she looked over at Saboo who was trying to look away.

"Alright Daddy?" She said seductively, her voice like honey, placing a hand on Saboo's hat.

The Shaman and her clearly knew eachother and Saboo swore that if they ever went out again he wanted it to be at a restaurant of some sort, not at some sleazy strip club with a pink blob strapped to his chest. This. Was embarrassing.

"Uh ha ha. Hi Marilyn." Saboo said rubbing his hand on the back of his neck, laughing nervously.

Tony's mouth hung wide open.

"OH MY SWEET LORD. YOU'RE MARILYN MANHOE"

"That's me sugar" she winked. She was naturally flirtatious.

She held out her hand and stroked Tony's face

"Marilyn Manhoe, Hollywood Transvestite. Lover to the stars and love maker extraordinaire" she laughed playfully, her words almost breathy.

Tony purred. Marilyn said "RAWR" while holding a perfectly manicured claw in his face.

Saboo wanted the ground to swallow him up. Not only was the person he once loved having to see him with this pinky wafer, but now she was flirting with him too? Jesus Christ.

"Um. So I hate to uh break up this party, but um we've lost Kirk. You know that bratty - really mature for his age kid I told you about once. We think he might've come into your strip club. Have you seen him, babe. I mean Marilyn"

"Hmmmmm. A kid. A lost little lamb. Yeah I did actually. He's by the bar."

"Thanks love" said Tony excitedly.

As Saboo set his sights for the bar and headed off, Marilyn slapped him on the butt.

"No problem, sexies!"

Letting their real manly voice slip out.

Saboo looked back and raised his eyebrows. Then mouthed, "I'll call you"  
  


*** * * * * * ***

As luck would have it, there was Kirk sitting by the bar with a drink in his hand. Saboo spotted it and mouthed at the bartender

"Non alcoholic?"

The bartender nodded and said yeah mate don't worry. Phew.

"HEY K Man." Said Tony waving his tentacles in the air.

"Sssssup Dawg!" Saboo said throwing up gang signs.

"Why are you even trying to relate to me?" Kirk said emotionless.

They didn't know what to say, it had been one helluva crazy day and they weren't sure what the kids were into these days.

"Um. Did you enjoy your..." he gulped "fun (and he used the term loosely) day?"

There was a bit of silence at first and a lot of tension. The sound of 'Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard' washed over them and blur of a woman on a pole crossed their eyes.

All three cocked their heads to one side and went "Daaaayummmmn"

Kirk turned back to Saboo and Tony and finally answered with "Yes."

This reply took both of them by surprise, they were quite taken aback.

"Really!?" They both said in shock.

"Yeah, I mean you guys are idiots, but I enjoyed the strip cub. Next time, if ever again. Just ask me what I wanna do instead of ashumin"

Ashumin, aww he killed me, thought Saboo. Thinking back to Phoebe and Holden from his favourite book 'The Catcher In The Rye'.

He snapped out of it quickly though because Kirk had leaned in and gave Saboo the biggest hug he had probably ever gotten from a kid - let alone Kirk.

"AWWWW. Ain't that sweet? All is well. But should we be concerned that this is your past time, kiddo?"

Saboo dismissed Tony, waving a hand in front of his face "Just....let him live his life"

"Right well let's get you home Kirk. The moon's coming out!"

"I'm the moon" smiled the Alabaster light in the sky goofily....."I'm coming out now".

So despite the antics, the day went really well, Saboo and Tony actually got on in the end and Kirk had the best day of his life. Even though most kids just go on rollercoasters.

A couple hours after he and Tony dropped Kirk home, Saboo lay on his bed playing Charles and Eddie for the maybe 100th time.

' _Look into my eyes, can't you see they're open wide. Would I lie to you baby. Would I lieee to youuuuu?....'_

He kept thinking about Marilyn and how he hadn't seen her for ages and how the circumstances were just all wrong. He felt lonely. Then.....the doorbell rang.

"Yeah" said Saboo almost grumpily and through tears.

"It's me sugar, can I come up?"

"Um. Sure."

A she was clip clopping up the stairway a letter slid through the door that read:

' _Thought you might need this one. I had a great day Saboo. Enjoy your special night. Tony.'_

Saboo felt some sort of grateful emotion wash over him and he held the letter close to his heart and whispered.

"Wow. Thanks Tone".


End file.
